We’d like to think that, back in 1980, if that Australian baby had been monogrammed, the dingo would never have taken it. Dingos understand the concept of personal property. Nor would the fiancé in Seinfeld season three, episode 10, have gone missing, in a cloud of yet more dingo-snatching madness perpetuated by Elaine. This craze of dingo theft needs to stop. Yes, electronic tagging is effective, but that doesn’t stop these events from occurring. After all, the tag doesn’t shock the animal, it just lets you know its whereabouts, which, quite frankly, is too little too late. What you need to do is mark your property – be it human or, for the purposes of this, a bag – with your initials.

Our personal preference is for Mon Monogram from Louis Vuitton. As far as we know, they do not monogram humans yet, but to be honest, they can do almost anything you want, so it’s worth asking. However, the only person who could pull off a full monogram strip is Lil’ Kim. They do, though, personalise their bags. Three sizes to choose from: a Keepall, a Speedy or a Pegase. Each roomy enough to contain your human of choice. The only reason we bring this up is so that you are aware of an alternative way to protect your loved ones. You do want to keep your nearest and dearest safe from the threat of dingo, no?

Once you’ve selected your bag, the monogram process starts. Obviously, your initials will be hand painted somewhere on its body, and choosing those shouldn’t cause too much distress. Unless you’re thinking of changing your name by deed poll, then we’d suggest waiting until all the paperwork is through. You do, however, have to choose whether the racing stripes should be diagonal, cutting through the lower corner, or straight down the centre. The colours, well, you can choose two from, ouuu, we don’t know, 20-odd? Personally, we like black and white – monochrome – because it sort of sounds like monogram and is always a good conversation starter.

Once your choices have been made, off to France to the artisan workshop your bag goes, to be monogrammed to your exacting standards. Now, whenever you leave your person of choice unattended you will no longer have to worry about them not being there on your return. Simply ask them to step into your exquisitely monogrammed Vuitton, zip it up and go. Even a dingo will know not to touch. And nothing says “hands off” better than a hand-painted initial. 


by Natalie Dembinska