There is one thing that irks us – well, maybe not just the one, but we hold a special place full of hatred and bile for this and the people who perpetuate it. Spectacle wearing as fashion statement. You’re not blind, you have 20/20 vision, so stop being such a bloody poser. It doesn’t make you smart, doesn’t make you cool, just makes you look like one of those hipster ponces, the kind you openly hate yet subconsciously want to be like. Personally, like you, we’ve always yearned for the day we can finally adorn our delicate visages with a pair of spectacles such as this magnificent Ralph Lauren pair we happened upon a few days ago. The golden tortoiseshell frame would go so well with our complexion, and we almost handed over our card to the ice lady in the shop, but stopped ourselves at the last minute. Stepping over to the dark side is not something we will do. We have too much respect for Mr Lauren to defame him with the whole “really, I am as blind as a bat” charade. Spectacles like these demand the proper eyesight impediment. Which is why we suggest that you think before you purchase. There are many ways to correct the problem of seeing so that you, too, can become a person who discusses the merits of horn rim and eye colour. Sharpened pencils in the pupil, a hot coal, a dash of acid on a cotton bud, staring straight into a solar eclipse, reading at night by candlelight, watching television with your nose pressed right up against the screen. All these things will help diminish your power of vision. You have to be careful, though. This is not an instant fix, it’s a gradual process, too much too quick and you might cross over into the land of eternal darkness, which then renders you a sunglass wearer, which is not your goal. Get it right, however, and the nirvana of Ralph Lauren spectacles free from ridicule is yours. Fashion, after all, dear reader is about sacrifice.


by Natalie Dembinska