Friday 8th April

| BY Will Johns

The Beauty Scan: Marc Jacobs Splash


There is nothing I love to do more when hungover than to devour several cucumbers. Gripping it in bed with one hand, a Calippo in the other, crunching huge, refreshing chunks off of it, splitting its crisp exterior open in order to water my desperately dehydrated mouth. Cucumis sativus is truly a saviour from the heavens. Incase you weren’t aware, it is a creeping vine that roots in the ground and grows up trellises or other supporting frames, wrapping around supports with thin, spiraling tendrils. According to Wikipedia. Just lovely. Sneaky Sabrina, who began reading this over my shoulder, says that I sound like a serial killer. She called me Buffalo Will. Referencing Buffalo Bill, from Silence of The Lambs. Referencing the scene when he lowers body moisturiser into his terror well to ensure the skin of his victims skin is perfectly smooth and prepared for his lady coat. “It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again”, she chants at me. Interns are fucked up these days.

Anyway, I am not a serial killer. I do not want to create a bespoke skin made from the plumped hides of innocent civilian women. I just want to smell nice. And now, thanks to Marc and his genius relaunching of the Splash fragrances, I am able to take my cylindrical fruit experience to the next level in the form of ‘Cucumber’ Eau de Toilette. After all, restoring your fresh aroma post lash is just as important as hydrating your decomposing corpse. With top notes of cucumber, lotus leaf and bamboo, a spritz or ten of this cool and clean perfume is an essential for when you’re feeling unfit for human consumption. It’s also a perfectly light every day scent, along with the other fragrances in the collection for Spring 2016 – ‘Rain’, ‘Cotton’, and ‘Pear’. All of which are equally reviving. Out now.

Image by Will Johns