Wednesday 20th April

| BY Will Johns

THE BEAUTY SCAN: Tom Ford Soleil Blanc Shimmer Oil


“The future better get ready for me. ‘Cause I’m Foxxy Cleopatra, and I’m a WHOLE LOTTA WOMAN”. There is no-one more exceptional, more sexy and most importantly, more golden than Foxxy Cleopatra. Which is why she is our ultimate icon. People will want to kill me for this, but I can take or leave Beyonce. I like Beyonce far more in the shimmering, glittering, sparkling form of Foxxy Cleopatra. It’s the retro, twenty-four karat gold version of Beyonce. Natalie, who is the colour of a beautiful ripe peach, wishes she was gold, just like Foxxy. After all, gold glows. Peaches are fuzzy. Gold is expensive and luxurious. Peaches are inexpensive and common. Not that Natalie is either of those things, because she is not a fruit, she is a human woman. A lovely one. Anyway, there are many techniques to help the less metallic among us channel Miss Cleopatra’s outer radiance. You could of course spray paint yourself gold. Much like actress Shirley Eaton’s character in Goldmember. You might think this is a terrible idea, as Shirley Eaton horrifically died from skin suffocation during filming. But Shirley Eaton did not die of skin suffocation during filming. She is alive and well, and even appeared in an episode of MythBusters to prove that her makeover did not put her in the morgue. Great news. One could also smear oneself with cooking oil and sit in the midday sun. “The smell of your crispy bacon flesh will attract men, because men love the smell of bacon. As well as dogs”, adds Natalie. Two species for the price of one. There is of course the slightly more advanced technique of gold plating, just like actual jewellery. “Permanent armour!” Natalie exclaims, as if this is something she has been wanting to try for years. Yes, this method may indeed result in a rather bizarre and distressing death, but your now stunning corpse will be beautifully smooth, glowing and perfectly preserved. If none of these appeal, buy yourself a bottle of Shimmering Body Oil by Tom Ford. To look at, it has the same soothing and hypnotic effect as one of those liquid and glitter filled glass tubes you used to get given before the nurse sticks the needle in your arm. Not only is this magical potion visually mesmerising when still inside the bottle, it also gives your limbs an other worldly, luminous sheen only seen before on the limbs of Foxxy Cleopatra. You have the right to remain sexy, sugar.

Image and text by Will Johns