Thursday 24th March

| BY Natalie Dembinska

TEN MINUTES: Shoplifting In Dover Street Market

Dover Street Market - Comme des Garcons - First

Ouuu, that’s pretty. How much is it? Do you think we can get a discount?

Five finger babe. Just pick it up and put it under your jumper.

But don’t they have CCTV? What if they catch us?

We’ll just say you’re a klepto and if that doesn’t work you can just fall to ground and foam at the mouth. Just pretend your have Rabies or something infectious. It’ll be fine.

I don’t know.

Quick, quick, stuff it under your jumper and just walk.

But it won’t fit Jack. My jumpers too small.

Well then stuff it in your pants but quick. She’s coming back.

What?? But my fanny will look fat. I don’t want a fat fanny. Junk in the trunk not flab in the pouch babe.

Babes, if you want Comme you have to sacrifice the fanny. What do you want more? Comme lumps or a slim pussy? Do it. It’s only till we get out of the door. Just shut up and stuff. It’s that or handing over your card to the woman at the till. Is that something that you really want to do?

But I thought all the bags here cost £70?

No babe, that’s just the carrier bags. Like Tesco bags, but with extra zeros. Because the plastic is stronger or something. We should take some of those too when they’re not looking.

What do you want with those?

Ebay, babe. Ebay! We’ll make a fortune. Might actually be able to afford to buy something here.

You mean we could pay, for things, like people who have money? What are they called?

Rich babes.

We could be like rich people?

Yes. Now shut up and stuff that fanny babe. It’s our only hope.

The new Dover Street Market is open on Haymarket now…