Tuesday 19th April

| BY Dominic Cadogan

Ten Tips On How To Become A Summer Bride

Our dear G Spencer is currently in Paris “working”. But all of us here at Ten Towers know what he is really doing. Desperately searching for spousal candidates in the City of Love. You may want to ask “why?” but you don’t know Garth like we do. He is determined to be a summer bride. And the recent Spring 2017 bridal collections have left him in a frenzy. I had a look myself and I can’t say I was bowled away but I settled on Look 4 from Oscar de la Renta (it’s all about the veil).

Knowing very little about relationships, let alone getting married, I turned to my sisters at 10 for advice. How could Garth trick somebody into marrying him before the summer is over? Natalie initially suggested witchcraft but upon some reflection decided against it. “You can’t use witchcraft in true love affairs, it never works”.

Will’s plan was an elaborate one which I shall paraphrase. First, find yourself a man (or woman if that’s your thing). Before you date this man (or woman) you must find out as much as possible. Stalk them. Look through their bins. Watch them whilst they sleep. This will allow you to adapt your personality to be exactly how you want them to be. You must uphold this for 6 months so they fall for you. You’re their perfect man (or woman) now so they would be foolish not to propose. Wait until pen is to paper and it’s all official. Then let it all hang out. It’s too late now – they’re trapped. Although thinking this through I’m not sure it’s the best way forward we want Garth to be a summer bride, not an Autumn divorcee.

So the only person leftover (and most sensible choice) was Phoebe, our resident wife. She actually managed to snare a man who loves her. She told us a lovely tale about travelling to Suffolk with her husband before he proposed. They went for a walk and Phoebe was distracted by a cat that she came across. Turned back and Briggs (her hubby) was on one knee ready to propose. So that’s clearly the answer. Cats. Is there ever an other answer? Don’t be afraid of being called the Crazy Cat Man Garth, you’ll have them queuing down the block.